Mana Vermeulen Mc-Leod's
Experiments with Theory U

The Theory U : In this theory Otto Scharmer has created a step by step approach to transforming an emotional reaction. By paying attention to what you truly feel he takes you through a deep dip of insight. And you come out with a sense of embodiment of the new.

My journey/interpretation of Otto Scharmer’s Theory U:

A Theory U experiment: clearing up old patterns of passive aggression towards men.

*Surprising inner process*

*But now we come to a point where I have to dig deeper into my own processes to find what has changed inside me this past year concerning making money. I want to look for the edge in my inner world. The ‘edges’ in permaculture are the most fertile and diverse ecosystems to be found… I feel I have changed from a stubborn woman who was determined to make her own money, to a woman ready and eager to share and accept support. I have come to value support immensely, especially from my (male) partner.

I would like  to lay out some of my feelings and thoughts concerning ‘a queen-dom instead of a king-dom? Or a real Matrix?’ with the help of Otto Scharmer’s Theory U model:


* Paying attention: ‘What do I truly feel?’ What is really going on?

While I’m writing this, a question suddenly comes to mind (see *). I thought, what is really going on? What am I truly feeling? And more to the point, what is that scary feeling that I have a hard time admitting to myself ? Well, that scary feeling is actually a real happy feeling and that’s surrender. I feel I truly want to surrender to the fact that I need help in making money and that there is NO way that I could make it here without the financial support of my husband.

* Seeing:  Receiving reflections from outside sources

Two days ago, I was doing this interview with Julie and that’s where this same issue came up. She couldn’t run a farm by herself at all here at Earthaven and said she was glad to have the help of her husband. It hit me that the only reason why it had been possible for me to attend Gaia University this year was that my husband supports me financially, by going to climb and cut trees day in-day out.

* Sensing: Feeling deeper, at first hidden, layers of emotion

This touches on a deep sore spot inside me and that is fear (Patriarchic cultural baggage) of women in general and me in particular-- of being afraid of being totally incapable of doing anything without a husband. And the years I have fought this image by becoming a carpenter and tree-worker just to show ‘those men’ I can do just as good as them. I feel extreme vulnerability by expressing the need for a man financially. I feel anger for men that abuse this vulnerability in women, and I am scared to be taken advantage off.

* Presencing: the Chiros Moment, moment of insight

Right now I realize what I’m feeling. Shame is one of them and relief is another. I feel shame of having spent so many years of my life feeling passively aggressive towards men and shame of being jealous of the male strength and possibilities. I feel shame of this unacknowledged fear and it coming out in such ugly and ignorant ways in my own life. But I want to turn this around. I also feel relief. I finally realize that I’ve taken on this passive aggressive stance towards males capabilities, because I feel strangely responsible for all the pain that this patriarchic culture has caused women. I feel relief because I don’t have to feel responsible for all this suffering anymore. I can stop this and heal the relationship I have with my partner by being thankful and appreciative of his ability to make such good money. I can truly thank him by enjoying my life and using the time I have wisely and effectively.

* Crystallizing vision and intent: Letting the future visions wash over me

O, what a good feeling! I can appreciate more clearly the time I can spend on designing and helping build our home since I have more free time than my partner. I can see more healing coming my way, and allowing for research in the many ways the patriarchic culture is imbedded in my every thought and feeling. And I can see freedom from these old patterns of fear by genuinely wishing the highest good for everyone, male and female. I can see my jealousy dissolving. I can be thankful for my many capabilities and rejoice in them from now on.

* Prototyping living microcosms: Imitate patterns, use what is there

I can see a network of fast-growing healthy organisms, like cell-growth, spreading real light and emotional clarity, by effecting people around me positively. I can also see the fast-growing un-healthy cell-growth called cancer that can grow and grow unchecked. I feel I can take this as a symbolic reminder of the need for clarity and constant checking in with my true feelings. As long as this new cell-growth of emotional clarity keeps being fed by positive reinforcement (such as meditation and focused positive creative thoughts) this process will not turn into a cancer again.

* Performing and embodying the new: I can see how all aspects of my life are working towards a common goal

Going from a place of fear to a place of surrender to a place of understanding and compassion is great! I have felt for a long time that what ‘it’ was all about in this life was making it as an individual. The many layers of ego it takes to shed to allow for true collaboration seems overwhelming sometimes. Performing the new is performing from a true matrix point of view instead of an angry semi-feminist point of view (a queen-dom instead of a king-dom). The new is the Matrix, it’s so new, I’ll have to take the rest of my life to figure out what it truly means. At Earthaven Ecovillage for now, with all its interesting Women, Men and Children, I will be learning much more about this beautiful collaboration.